It's 9 a.m. I've been up since 6:30, not to mention all the times I was awakened in the middle of the night. I have no idea what day it is. It feels like a Wednesday but I know it's not because I'm yet to feel the relief of a fresh paycheck in the bank, but I know it's close so it must be Tuesday. I have 7 bottles of grape juice in the water bath with 25 more waiting on the counter and I know processing them is going to take all day. I haven't had a chance to read my scriptures this morning but I managed a hasty prayer. Leese and I have already had a few tiffs, though I haven't yelled...yet. Rylan is sort of patiently waiting to be fed and my cereal is now too soggy to eat and I lack sufficient energy or time to try breakfast again. My house is a mess, it feels like it's been torn apart for months and I don't have the energy, time or even sometimes ability to put it back together. I have laundry and dishes to do and in two days we are going to the city so I have packing along with grocery shopping in the back of my head. I am exhausted and overwhelmed, among a dozen other adjectives I'm sure you are all feeling, too.
I am in the trenches of motherhood.
I am fighting a war and each day is a battle.
It is hard, dirty, harrowing work.
But who am I fighting this war against? My kids? My husband? That mom I know that has more kids than I do and never yells?
That's what satan wants you to think. He wants you to feel like all you do all day is fight with your kids, I certainly feel that way. He wants you to ruminate on the thoughts of how you do so much more housework than your husband does until you are ready to snap, I've had those days. He wants you to think that compared to those other perfect moms that you are a failure. He wants you to believe that you will never be good enough. Never measure up. Never be anything more than you are.
Does this sound familiar?
We are fighting a war against satan, and every day is a battle to keep him out of our hearts and out of our homes. To protect ourselves and our families from him. I often feel like my battle is with Elise. That she is the one who is keeping me from not only accomplishing more but from being more. From being able to have my own identity, from having an easier life, one that doesn't include taking 30 minutes to put the baby down because as soon as he falls asleep she is coming up the stairs screaming my name, from being able to come and go as I please.
My battle is not with her, it's with impatience, anger, selfishness, my own natural man.
So what can we do to win these daily, and even hourly, skirmishes?
Find time to pray in the morning, at night, after the kids go down for a nap, when we feel our patience slipping, when we are grateful for a tiny, tender mercy. Let God speak to you through His written word. Take a time out. Walk away from the mess and spend a little quality time with the kids, to remember that they are your allies.
And most of all remember. Remember that satan is very real and he will oppose every good thing you do, which will often make you feel like a failure. Remember that you are stronger than Him, that with God you can do anything. Remember that satan nitpicks at you because he wants what you have, because you have everything and he has nothing but his desire to make you miserable.
Remember that God loves you. That He is with you always, just reach out to Him and you will find Him. Take time to look for the tender mercies He gives you every day. Notice how a hard day wasn't as bad as it could have been because He was there.
It's 9 a.m. and I have 32 bottles of grape juice, which is great because 32 is much more than the 12 bottles I had last year. I've made it two whole weeks with only $30 to my name and have seen the great blessings of tithing along the way, and tomorrow I will see another payday and have the wonderful opportunity to pay my tithing again so that we can receive the blessings we need. I haven't yelled yet, which means I still have the opportunity to go all day without yelling, and even though Elise drives me crazy in between the crazy moments she is doing a funny dance or helping me bake, and I am so grateful to have a daughter who is so spirited. And even though my house is a mess, my to-do list is long and I'm more exhausted than I ever want to be, tomorrow is another day, and with my Savior by my side I can find joy in the trenches.
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