The trenches of motherhood (who's really the enemy)

It's 9 a.m. I've been up since 6:30, not to mention all the times I was awakened in the middle of the night. I have no idea what day it is. It feels like a Wednesday but I know it's not because I'm yet to feel the relief of a fresh paycheck in the bank, but I know it's close so it must be Tuesday. I have 7 bottles of grape juice in the water bath with 25 more waiting on the counter and I know processing them is going to take all day. I haven't had a chance to read my scriptures this morning but I managed a hasty prayer. Leese and I have already had a few tiffs, though I haven't yelled...yet. Rylan is sort of patiently waiting to be fed and my cereal is now too soggy to eat and I lack sufficient energy or time to try breakfast again. My house is a mess, it feels like it's been torn apart for months and I don't have the energy, time or even sometimes ability to put it back together. I have laundry and dishes to do and in two days we are going to the city so I have packing along with grocery shopping in the back of my head. I am exhausted and overwhelmed, among a dozen other adjectives I'm sure you are all feeling, too.

I am in the trenches of motherhood.

I am fighting a war and each day is a battle.

It is hard, dirty, harrowing work.

But who am I fighting this war against? My kids? My husband? That mom I know that has more kids than I do and never yells?

That's what satan wants you to think. He wants you to feel like all you do all day is fight with your kids, I certainly feel that way. He wants you to ruminate on the thoughts of how you do so much more housework than your husband does until you are ready to snap, I've had those days. He wants you to think that compared to those other perfect moms that you are a failure. He wants you to believe that you will never be good enough. Never measure up. Never be anything more than you are.

Does this sound familiar?

We are fighting a war against satan, and every day is a battle to keep him out of our hearts and out of our homes. To protect ourselves and our families from him. I often feel like my battle is with Elise. That she is the one who is keeping me from not only accomplishing more but from being more. From being able to have my own identity, from having an easier life, one that doesn't include taking 30 minutes to put the baby down because as soon as he falls asleep she is coming up the stairs screaming my name, from being able to come and go as I please.

My battle is not with her, it's with impatience, anger, selfishness, my own natural man.

So what can we do to win these daily, and even hourly, skirmishes?

Find time to pray in the morning, at night, after the kids go down for a nap, when we feel our patience slipping, when we are grateful for a tiny, tender mercy. Let God speak to you through His written word. Take a time out. Walk away from the mess and spend a little quality time with the kids, to remember that they are your allies.

And most of all remember. Remember that satan is very real and he will oppose every good thing you do, which will often make you feel like a failure. Remember that you are stronger than Him, that with God you can do anything. Remember that satan nitpicks at you because he wants what you have, because you have everything and he has nothing but his desire to make you miserable.

Remember that God loves you. That He is with you always, just reach out to Him and you will find Him. Take time to look for the tender mercies He gives you every day. Notice how a hard day wasn't as bad as it could have been because He was there.

It's 9 a.m. and I have 32 bottles of grape juice, which is great because 32 is much more than the 12 bottles I had last year. I've made it two whole weeks with only $30 to my name and have seen the great blessings of tithing along the way, and tomorrow I will see another payday and have the wonderful opportunity to pay my tithing again so that we can receive the blessings we need. I haven't yelled yet, which means I still have the opportunity to go all day without yelling, and even though Elise drives me crazy in between the crazy moments she is doing a funny dance or helping me bake, and I am so grateful to have a daughter who is so spirited. And even though my house is a mess, my to-do list is long and I'm more exhausted than I ever want to be, tomorrow is another day, and with my Savior by my side I can find joy in the trenches.

A heart like playdough

Quite some time ago I bought some playdough for Elise but then decided to hide it until she was older. Recently we pulled it out to play with it and learned the unfortunate truth that playdough at rest for an extended amount of time becomes hardened. I looked online to see if it could be revived and found that kneading water into it would help. In some of them it did, but for others it was too late, they were too hard and dry.

I was reminded of this experience the other day as I was pondering upon the Lord's hand in my life.

He's always there but occasionally I can feel Him guiding me, bringing certain things into my life all at once to get me to a place I need to be. Even though they can be difficult, I am grateful for these times. Saturday I realized that He is doing it again. This time I can look back and see how He has prepared me for this moment and I know what He is trying to accomplish with me.

In this current instance He is bringing me information that I need and using it to teach me, to heal me, to help me to become better, to help me to become the woman that I want to be.

Even though I can see it and I know what is going on, it is hard. I have to choose to let Him lead me. To show me what I need to change and then follow through with His help.

And I had the thought that it is like being molded, actually that is exactly what He is doing. And so I had the image of my heart as playdough in His hands. I can imagine that it would hurt to have someone literally knead your physical heart. And it hurts to have your emotional heart kneaded and shaped into something new.

The process is easier if we don't just let our hearts sit. If we continually give our hearts to Him to be shaped then the daily moldings and the big molding moments are easier.

So what if we have let our hearts sit? Or what if perhaps we are doing those daily things to invite the Spirit in but we've been hurt or we're afraid and we block certain spiritual things out? It will be more painful, but as we are brave and tough it out, the more we let Him work on our hearts the easier it will become. The more we will become who He wants us to be and the more we will trust Him with our hearts.

And it doesn't hurt to add a little water. Or a lot. I like to think of the water as the Spirit. I don't know how my heart could ever be changed without it.

I'd like to think that I don't have a hard heart, that I do fairly well at letting Him mold it, but I have a few little scared spots that have gotten a little tough. My ever-loving Savior sees those spots and knows exactly what to do. He has prepared me and has waited for the right time, and now I can feel Him moving into those spots and working out the hardness.

I know this journey will be hard but I am also excited. I am excited that He is helping me to become a little more like Him, a little more like the woman I want to be and better able to do His work. I am grateful for those that He places in my life, whether momentarily or in the long run, that unknowingly help me on my way. And I'm grateful to have a heart like playdough that He can mold.