When you find yourself in the roughs

This morning my dad text me at 6:12 all chipper and rearing to have a great day. I was still in bed, exhausted and in pain. We had a thunder and rain storm over our house last night that was so intense I was looking out the window to see if we had ended up in Kansas. And after bottling 35 bottles of grape juice by myself yesterday my shoulder was burning with the pain of a thousand vengeful, knife-weilding suns. 

My dad, however, was all set to have “the best day ever.” I told him that if I was going to have the best day ever I would need some handicaps. He seemed a little confused so I looked up handicaps to make sure I knew what I was talking about, and this is what I found…..

“A golf handicap is a numerical measure of a golfer's potential ability. In stroke play, it is used to calculate a net score from the number of strokes actually played during a competition, thus allowing players of different proficiency to play against each other on somewhat equal terms.”
 
Wait a minute. Do you mean to tell me that even if my game is not very strong, I can be judged by my potential ability so that I can be on equal terms with my opponent? Who knew golf had so much compassion?

Yes, I definitely needed some compassionate handicaps to get through my day. It has been a tough week anyway, certainly I’m due for an easier day, right?

Fortunately, even though I don’t play golf there is One who can grant me handicaps. One who sees my potential ability and not only cuts me some slack but lends me His strength. 
 
He paid the ultimate price so that we can all play on equal terms. So that we can have that extra bit of help when we need it. 
 
So even though I felt like I was starting way behind when I got out of bed today, I actually had a pretty good day. The Lord had compassion on me. He saw the potential I had today based on if I had started out at my top ability, and He made the effort I was able to put into my day be enough, which put me on a more level playing ground with whatever came my way.

I wonder if there’s golf in heaven?


Source: Wikipedia

For when you're ready to quit

Do you ever have those moments when you feel like you are never going to get any better than you are now? And not only that but all the hard work you have done and all the progress you have made is just slipping away? That’s how I feel.

It's the end of a long day and my child keeps yelling for me instead of going to sleep and I am reaching my last straw. I want so badly to be the mom I have been striving to be, to not be super irritated and, yes, mad that my child isn’t cooperating and frustrated that I gave in and yelled today.

Will I ever be the mom I want to be? Will my children grow up short-tempered and angry when things go wrong instead of kind and gentle like the other moms are surely teaching their kids to be with their awe-inspiring examples? What’s the use of trying if I’m just going to keep having days like this?

Do you ever have those thoughts? You are certainly not alone and as I type these words I must remind myself of that, too.

I think the problem today is I saw too many nice moms in the last couple of days. Nice moms with their well-behaved kids who are kind and gentle and will grow up to be amazing parents themselves. These kids will be better parents in the future than I am now. So not only am I comparing but I am overkilling it. But knowing that doesn’t stop me from wondering if I’ll ever come close to being like these moms whose greatness I aspire to. 

Do you ever feel that way, too? That’s the adversary. There is no way the Spirit would be whispering this to you. There is no way your Heavenly Father would want you to feel this way. There is no possible circumstance in which your Savior would tsk tsk you and tell you if only you were good enough for His Atonement He could help you.

So why do we feel this way?? Because we give in to those awful, vile, soul-destroying whisperings of the evil one. He wants you to be miserable. He wants you to compare yourself and give up. He wants so much to draw you away from all who love you, earthly and heavenly.

Don’t listen. You may be having bad day today, you might even have a few bad days in a row, but you are still a child of God. YOU. You are a child of God. And guess what?? He loves you. Even though you messed up, He loves you. And He loves your children, too. He sent them to you because He wants the best for them and you are the best person for the job. Did you hear that? YOU are the BEST person for THIS job. For THESE children. YOU. You are amazing and you are doing your best and you can do this. You just have to keep trying. That is all He asks.

So get out there and prove satan wrong. Get out there and keep trying, keep fighting, keep striving, keep pushing. You are getting there. You will get there. And They will be with you every step of the way.

You got this. And so do I.

When you want to receive

If you would like to get more out of your study of the scriptures I strongly suggest keeping a study journal. If you would like to get more out of your church meetings and General Conference I strongly suggest keeping a study journal. If you would like to get more out of your personal prayers, if you would like to receive more personal revelation, if you would like to see the Hand of God in your life….keep a study journal!

I can’t remember exactly when I first started keeping a study journal, but I’ve been doing it for at least 10 years. I have notebooks full of notes from Institute and attending church at the student ward. I haven’t always been stalwart with it, I definitely took a long break from it when I started having kids, but I have always come back to it and I have always had a strong testimony of it.

If you show the Lord that you are willing to receive what He has for you, He will give you more. As you read or listen with the intent to learn and write down what you hear, I promise you that you will receive more than if you passively read or listen. As you write down what speaks to your heart you will be given the opportunity to ponder for a second on what you’ve heard, and you will have the opportunity to receive more.

Keeping a study journal will also give you a greater chance to liken the scriptures unto yourself. As you come across a principle that you know you need to work on you can write about how you can better keep that principle, or how it applies to you, and receive ideas and promptings from the Spirit for you personally that pertains to that principle.

Writing down what the Spirit reveals to you is also a great way to be able to look back and remember what the Lord has taught you and will show you how the Lord works in your life. It will be impossible for you to deny that you are receiving revelation and that the Lord is there for you when you can see it all laid out over a span of time.

Along with keeping a study journal, keep a heart journal. Write down the promptings and ideas you receive as you pray. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve read back to what I’ve written in my heart journal and been surprised at what I have written and been glad that I had a way to be reminded of what things the Spirit prompted me to do.

It may seem like a silly or simple thing, but there are times when I think that I’m just going to read and if I “hear” anything then I’ll pull my notebook out and I don’t get as much out of my study time as I would have liked to. So I finally decide to get out my notebook and pen and ready myself to receive and then I do. I do receive because I’m ready for it. This morning I read “Choices” by President Monson from the April 2016 General Conference. It is one page long in the Ensign, and I have three pages of notes from it. I have five pages of notes from the Conference talk that I read yesterday.

I know that when you show the Lord that you are willing to receive, that He will teach you more than you could even imagine. He wants to teach you, He wants you to learn all that you need to make it back to Him, to become the person that He knows you can become. I know that as you study and listen with true intent, and are prepared to receive, that you will receive many wonderous things, that you will start to recognize the whisperings of the Spirit more in your life and that you will develop a deeper and stronger relationship with your Heavenly Father.

The heart of pain

My rotator cuff is killing me. So is my right hip. I've been dealing with muscle pain for 10+ years but am only just figuring out what the real source of the problem is. I could have fixed this 10 years ago if I had taken the time to learn about the body and to stretch, but most of the time it wasn't debilitating enough for me to do anything about it, and I loathe stretching. I've known that my piriformis was one of the culprits for years but I've just been putting band-aids over the situation.

A little over a year ago I decided enough was enough. I was just waiting to have my baby and then I would get serious. My piriformis was hurting me so badly after I had Rylan that I had to be pushed up to the NICU in a wheelchair to see him. Six weeks after I had him I started a program called Tai Cheng as well as started walking. That helped my body a lot. When I was done I noticed that the general pain was gone and I could now pinpoint where the pain was originating from, my right hip and my shoulder area.

Last week I started a new program called Turbofire. In the stretching portion of the workout the instructor mentions the rotator cuff and does a rotator cuff stretch. It was then that I realized that I can't even move my arms halfway as as far as I should be able to in the rotator cuff stretch. I did a little research and lo and behold, my rotator cuff isn't only killing me, it's one of the sources of pain that I've been dealing with for years. While vacuuming the other day I could fill it in my shoulder and I wondered how I didn't recognize that pain before. I had had it for so long I had just started to ignore it. Ignoring the pain lead to severe shoulder and neck pain that also goes down my arm.

As I thought about my ignorance I was reminded about the morning I had that day. It was a rough and stressful morning. I was once again dealing with a problem that I have been pondering how to fix for months that I thought had gotten better. At my wit's end I got on my knees and asked "What lack I yet?" The answer I received was surprising but made a lot sense. How could I not see that was the answer? Because I had been just living with it for so long that it leaked into the rest of my life wreaking havoc wherever it could and I could no longer see that was where the problem had originated. I also didn't believe it could be fixed. But the Spirit says it can be fixed! Just like I can fix my body even though I spent so many years thinking I would just have to live with the pain.

I love the journeys that Heavenly Father takes me on. He leads me to one answer that I work on for as long as I need to until I'm ready for Him to take me on to the next one. It started a little over a year ago with me finally deciding to do something about my body. Then I had many months of building up the motivation for when I could finally actively do something. I'm so grateful that He lead me to Tai Cheng. If I hadn't taken the time to do that program first I wouldn't be doing as well as I am now, and I am doing considerably better than when I started it. I'm so grateful for that one little nugget of knowledge that I found while stretching in my Turbofire program about my rotator cuff. I knew that my hip was the source of my pain but didn't know exactly what the problem was with my upper back and neck. Now I can't wait to fix these problems. I just imagine how great I am going to feel when I am done and all the things that I will be physically capable of.

And now because I took the time to ask "What lack I yet?", and because He has been leading me up to this point, I now have a much different project to work on, healing myself on the inside. As hard as it's been to get my body to where it is now I anticipate that this journey will be much more trying and take much more perseverance. But I know that He will be there. I know that we will start at one end of the problem and work up, not taking it all head on and overwhelming myself. I can't wait to see where this journey takes me, however trying and painful it is, and what I'll be capable of when I'm done.

Planning to Fail

Lately I've been thinking about the saying "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." I've been mainly applying it to my health and fitness goals and a little bit with how I manage getting my kids out the door. This morning I realized that I had planned to fail my Sabbath.

Since the First Presidency said that we need to improve our Sabbath observance I have been making it a point to have the house clean Saturday, which makes a huge difference in my Sabbath Day. Last week we changed from 1 pm church to 9 am church. We were very excited about this time change and that week I was determined to get to church on time. That night when I went to bed the house was clean, everyone's church clothes were laid out, the diaper bag was ready and breakfast preparations were on the counter. I was ready! I'd even gone to bed on time. That Sunday morning went smoothly and we enjoyed the day.

This morning I realized that I hadn't prepared for the Sabbath. Other than thinking that my house was messier than I wanted it to be when I went to bed the thought of preparing hadn't even crossed my mind, I even went to bed way later than I should have. This morning was far from pleasant. It was rushed and stressful and full of regrets. In just one week I had gotten casual and let it slip.

Today we had ward conference and despite my far from spiritual morning I felt like I was swimming in the spirit the whole three hours. President Staker talked about the Sabbath. In Sacrament meeting he talked about what he does on Sundays to make his Sabbath more meaningful. He then expounded on that topic in Sunday School with the help of his wife. I am so grateful for what I learned.

President Staker talked about doing something to renew his spirit on the Sabbath, he also talked about making the Sabbath different from the other days of the week. Sister Staker talked about finding rest on the Sabbath. She said that rest in the worldly sense was to physically rest, but rest in the spiritual sense is to draw closer to God. Meaning on the Sabbath we need to do those things that will draw us closer to God, and that will allow us to Rest in Him. I also learned that it's okay to have simple meals on Sunday but that we shouldn't hide from our children on the Sabbath, we should make it a family day.

I knew that I needed to abstain from certain activities on the Sabbath but what I hadn't thought of was adding wholesome activities to my day. I have been wondering what else I can do with my Sabbath day to help prepare me for the coming week. I need to make the day different, so that I can find the rest in Him that will help revitalize me for the coming six days.

I am so grateful for the Sabbath. I am grateful for a day that I can block out the world and focus on my Savior.

The gospel of swing and other things

When I was in my early 20's dancing was my life. I danced as many nights a week as I could. I helped run a dance venue on Friday nights with a few friends. I lived and breathed dancing. I would sit in sacrament exhausted from the dancing I enjoyed the night before and see waltzing in my head every time we sang a hymn that was a 3/4 beat.

West Coast Swing is similar enough to the Lindy Hop that we would dance with the lindys. While Lindy Hoping I heard the phrase "the gospel of swing." This phrase started to bother me the more I thought about it. I had no qualms about sharing my love of dance with others. I would tell and invite anyone that would listen. But what about the Gospel, the good word of Christ? Who was I proclaiming that, too?

Well, everyone I knew was either active or had already heard about it and made their decision and I didn't want to push them farther away. And I didn't want to offend anyone. And it doesn't come up that often. And....it was just more fun to talk about swing. When I get an opportunity I'll talk about it. That's reasonable, right?

A few yeas ago I started doing essentrics, a stretching and strengthening workout. I love doing this workout. I like it better than yoga because it's constant movement, I have a hard time holding poses. It stretches my body in ways that it normally doesn't get stretched and my body feels so good when I do essentrics. I think everyone should stretch so I think that everyone should do essentrics. I could proclaim my love of essentrics to everyone. I would even like to become certified to teach so I can know more about it and be able to help others.

My desire to share essentrics with everyone started to remind me of the gospel of swing. And as I pondered on dance, essentrics and the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I learned a few things.

I realized that my love of and my desire to share essentrics with others is directly related to how often I participate in it.

When I danced my participation never wavered, so neither did my zeal. Dance was important enough to me that it was a priority, I never forgot about it, I never let things get in the way of it when I could help it.

Essentrics is a little different. I have to make an effort to make it a priority. It's important to me, but it's easy to let it fall by the wayside if I don't keep focused on it and remember why I love it and why I should do it.

Essentrics reminds me of the Gospel. I love the Gospel. Living the Gospel has benefited me in many ways. I know it is important and necessary, necessary for the whole of the human race, but I have to make an effort to make it a priority. So many things can get in the way if I let it. I have to remind myself everyday why I follow Jesus and keep His commandments. Why I do the things I do and how much I love it.

The more we participate in the Gospel, in our own salvation, the more we love it, and the greater our zeal for sharing it will grow. When we participate daily it will be on our minds and will be easier to share with others. Dance was easy to share because I thought about it all the time. When I make Christ the focus of my thoughts and my day and the reason for what I do with my day, it is so much easier to share Him with those around me. When I am living it, it is easy to tell others what I am doing with my day, and thus create an opportunity to share the Gospel with others.

I love dance and I love essentrics, but neither of those mean anything without the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And I wouldn't have either of those things without Him.

The trenches of motherhood (who's really the enemy)

It's 9 a.m. I've been up since 6:30, not to mention all the times I was awakened in the middle of the night. I have no idea what day it is. It feels like a Wednesday but I know it's not because I'm yet to feel the relief of a fresh paycheck in the bank, but I know it's close so it must be Tuesday. I have 7 bottles of grape juice in the water bath with 25 more waiting on the counter and I know processing them is going to take all day. I haven't had a chance to read my scriptures this morning but I managed a hasty prayer. Leese and I have already had a few tiffs, though I haven't yelled...yet. Rylan is sort of patiently waiting to be fed and my cereal is now too soggy to eat and I lack sufficient energy or time to try breakfast again. My house is a mess, it feels like it's been torn apart for months and I don't have the energy, time or even sometimes ability to put it back together. I have laundry and dishes to do and in two days we are going to the city so I have packing along with grocery shopping in the back of my head. I am exhausted and overwhelmed, among a dozen other adjectives I'm sure you are all feeling, too.

I am in the trenches of motherhood.

I am fighting a war and each day is a battle.

It is hard, dirty, harrowing work.

But who am I fighting this war against? My kids? My husband? That mom I know that has more kids than I do and never yells?

That's what satan wants you to think. He wants you to feel like all you do all day is fight with your kids, I certainly feel that way. He wants you to ruminate on the thoughts of how you do so much more housework than your husband does until you are ready to snap, I've had those days. He wants you to think that compared to those other perfect moms that you are a failure. He wants you to believe that you will never be good enough. Never measure up. Never be anything more than you are.

Does this sound familiar?

We are fighting a war against satan, and every day is a battle to keep him out of our hearts and out of our homes. To protect ourselves and our families from him. I often feel like my battle is with Elise. That she is the one who is keeping me from not only accomplishing more but from being more. From being able to have my own identity, from having an easier life, one that doesn't include taking 30 minutes to put the baby down because as soon as he falls asleep she is coming up the stairs screaming my name, from being able to come and go as I please.

My battle is not with her, it's with impatience, anger, selfishness, my own natural man.

So what can we do to win these daily, and even hourly, skirmishes?

Find time to pray in the morning, at night, after the kids go down for a nap, when we feel our patience slipping, when we are grateful for a tiny, tender mercy. Let God speak to you through His written word. Take a time out. Walk away from the mess and spend a little quality time with the kids, to remember that they are your allies.

And most of all remember. Remember that satan is very real and he will oppose every good thing you do, which will often make you feel like a failure. Remember that you are stronger than Him, that with God you can do anything. Remember that satan nitpicks at you because he wants what you have, because you have everything and he has nothing but his desire to make you miserable.

Remember that God loves you. That He is with you always, just reach out to Him and you will find Him. Take time to look for the tender mercies He gives you every day. Notice how a hard day wasn't as bad as it could have been because He was there.

It's 9 a.m. and I have 32 bottles of grape juice, which is great because 32 is much more than the 12 bottles I had last year. I've made it two whole weeks with only $30 to my name and have seen the great blessings of tithing along the way, and tomorrow I will see another payday and have the wonderful opportunity to pay my tithing again so that we can receive the blessings we need. I haven't yelled yet, which means I still have the opportunity to go all day without yelling, and even though Elise drives me crazy in between the crazy moments she is doing a funny dance or helping me bake, and I am so grateful to have a daughter who is so spirited. And even though my house is a mess, my to-do list is long and I'm more exhausted than I ever want to be, tomorrow is another day, and with my Savior by my side I can find joy in the trenches.

A heart like playdough

Quite some time ago I bought some playdough for Elise but then decided to hide it until she was older. Recently we pulled it out to play with it and learned the unfortunate truth that playdough at rest for an extended amount of time becomes hardened. I looked online to see if it could be revived and found that kneading water into it would help. In some of them it did, but for others it was too late, they were too hard and dry.

I was reminded of this experience the other day as I was pondering upon the Lord's hand in my life.

He's always there but occasionally I can feel Him guiding me, bringing certain things into my life all at once to get me to a place I need to be. Even though they can be difficult, I am grateful for these times. Saturday I realized that He is doing it again. This time I can look back and see how He has prepared me for this moment and I know what He is trying to accomplish with me.

In this current instance He is bringing me information that I need and using it to teach me, to heal me, to help me to become better, to help me to become the woman that I want to be.

Even though I can see it and I know what is going on, it is hard. I have to choose to let Him lead me. To show me what I need to change and then follow through with His help.

And I had the thought that it is like being molded, actually that is exactly what He is doing. And so I had the image of my heart as playdough in His hands. I can imagine that it would hurt to have someone literally knead your physical heart. And it hurts to have your emotional heart kneaded and shaped into something new.

The process is easier if we don't just let our hearts sit. If we continually give our hearts to Him to be shaped then the daily moldings and the big molding moments are easier.

So what if we have let our hearts sit? Or what if perhaps we are doing those daily things to invite the Spirit in but we've been hurt or we're afraid and we block certain spiritual things out? It will be more painful, but as we are brave and tough it out, the more we let Him work on our hearts the easier it will become. The more we will become who He wants us to be and the more we will trust Him with our hearts.

And it doesn't hurt to add a little water. Or a lot. I like to think of the water as the Spirit. I don't know how my heart could ever be changed without it.

I'd like to think that I don't have a hard heart, that I do fairly well at letting Him mold it, but I have a few little scared spots that have gotten a little tough. My ever-loving Savior sees those spots and knows exactly what to do. He has prepared me and has waited for the right time, and now I can feel Him moving into those spots and working out the hardness.

I know this journey will be hard but I am also excited. I am excited that He is helping me to become a little more like Him, a little more like the woman I want to be and better able to do His work. I am grateful for those that He places in my life, whether momentarily or in the long run, that unknowingly help me on my way. And I'm grateful to have a heart like playdough that He can mold.

Healing and Heroes: If you knew you would be healed

I’ve been watching “Heroes” with the Hubley. I never watched it when it was originally airing but now I’m watching it—thank you Netflix—so that I can watch “Heroes Reborn” in the fall.

*Possible “Heroes” spoilers*

In the episode that we were watching last night, one of the characters—whose power is that he is nuclear—was having a nuclear episode and burning up the house he was in so everyone had to leave or be burned to death. The nuclear guy could be stopped with a tranquilizer but the person giving it to him was not going to survive.

Enter Claire, whose power is that her body heals itself. She gave him the tranquilizer which stopped his episode and saved everyone else.

When Claire walks out of the house she is severely burned but is regenerating as she walks until she is whole. As I watched that I had the thought:

“What would you do if you knew that you would heal?”

And then I thought about the Atonement.

What would you do if you knew you would be healed?

Every word that came from the mouth of God?

If I could stand at the brink of a trial and know that I would survive, that I will be healed, how much more willing would I be to unquestioningly follow the path the Lord has set before me?

But Claire didn’t start out running into such fatal situations. She had to learn that she would survive them until experience taught her without a doubt that no matter what, she would be healed.

We learn the same way, line upon line, experience by experience. Because of trials I have been through in the past, small at first and then gradually bigger and harder trials, I know that I can walk through very difficult trials and survive. And not only that, but my Savior will walk through it with me. He will heal me as I go, sometimes just enough so that I can keep going, but if I keep trusting in Him and keep moving forward, eventually I will make it out, and be stronger for it.

Sometime the purpose of the trial—or burning house—is to teach us that He is there, and the Atonement is real and will heal us. It is to teach us that we can trust Him and He will heal us.

And as we walk through the fire with Him not only will He heal us but we will come to know Him. 

And that is the most precious gift.

We can be healed of every wound, whether it is self-inflicted our caused by others. We will come out on the other end of this life whole.

How else could we have been brave enough to come to this earth, to live these hard lives, if we didn’t have a Savior?

Charity in the grocery store

It's been a rough week. I've felt it and Elise has felt it and we have not gotten along much these past few days. I've been exhausted and overwhelmed and Elise has been particularly difficult.

This morning didn't go too bad so I chanced a trip to the grocery store, thinking that it would do us good to get out and there was a carton of raspberries on sale with my name on it.

Every time I go to the grocery store I'm sure everyone knows we are there when they hear me yell "ELISE!!!" a million times, and today was definitely not an exception.

When we go shopping I have Elise bring in her little pink shopping cart because most of the time it helps but today she wanted to run from me and run she did, so I had to keep yelling at her to "STOP!"

I told her that if she kept doing that she would lose her cart and would be riding in  mine. Eventually, after she purposefully turned a corner to lose me, I was done. I ran her down, threw her cart on the bottom of mine and with no other option, because Rylan was taking up the majority of my shopping cart, just held her.

 I was so mad.

And then I heard a voice behind me say, "Ma'am, do you need help?" It was one of the checkers. She'd watched me run down Elise and followed me down the aisle.

I was humbled. Humbled that someone had noticed me, seen a need and acted on it.

I don't know what I would have had her do to help me but I was finished shopping so she checked me out. As Elise grabbed her cart and started heading out the door when I was trying to pay and get all my bags, I expressed my frustration to this thoughtful checker. We talked a little about parenting and as I left she said, "Keep your head up, you're doing good."

As I walked to my car in the parking lot I realized that having that lady talk to me and walk through the store with me, even just briefly, calmed me down and helped me to feel better. I thought of how nice it would be to have someone always with me, how having someone else around can be a support and also give you perspective and uplift you. And as I longed for something like that a voice said to me "I'm with you."

How often do I forget, or rather how seldom do I remember, that He is there. I pray for help when the going gets tough and especially when I wake up and already know it's going to be a rough day, but rarely do I think of Him with me and use that thought not only to strengthen myself but to help me to be a better mother. Would I be yelling at Elise in the store if He were physically with me? If I did I would certainly be embarrassed.

I am grateful for a checker that was brave and took the time to track me down in the store and make sure I was okay.

I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father who is always there, whether I open my eyes to see Him or not.

Life is hard. Being a mother is often more than I can handle. There is no way that I could walk this life without Him and those He sends to be His hands.

Heartbreak and Hypoglycemia

I had such high hopes for March. On March 1st I officially only had 90 days left of my pregnancy! For this month, instead of counting down the days I decided to count down the Mondays that I had to work, only five! And then after that only four Mondays in April and then I would practically be there! Well, maybe not, but I'm only working Mondays for certain through the end of April, so if I can just get through those Mondays I'll be doing good!

Turns out high hopes don't always make for good times. Looking back this month has gone by fast, I can't believe March is almost over! But despite that, it has been a long, hard month, with one thing after another continually building upon what I've already been dealing with for months. More than once I've reached my end. 

In the middle of all these troubles there is one good moment that I would like to share...

Last week I had to take the dreaded, mandatory glucose test to see if I have Gestational Diabetes. I passed it no problem when I was pregnant with Elise, so all I was worried about was surviving waiting until 8:30 in the morning to eat. I survived the test but when I went in for my appointment my doctor told me that I had failed it by two points and would have to take the three hour glucose test.

Little did I know that meant no eating past midnight then going in every hour for three hours to get my blood drawn and not being able to eat until I was done! And I couldn't even drink water!

I get sooo sick when I don't eat, plus I hate needles, so I made sure that Dr. Syndergaard knew that I wasn't happy. I asked him if we could just ignore the two points but he ignored me.

So I sucked it up and planned to do it Saturday morning when Cody would be home to watch Elise while I languished in bed and had what I planned on being a totally miserable day.

Thursday night came around and it felt more right to just go in Friday morning and get it over with. I talked it over with Cody and he agreed with that decision and said he would watch Elise for me and even take her in to work for an hour for me. (I desperately needed some me time so he was making an extra effort to let me have some.)

I prepared the best I could Thursday night and then Cody got a call saying he needed to come in earlier than he had planned on Friday morning so he took Elise to grandma's house.

The terrible morning I had planned on actually turned out to be quite nice! In between going into the hospital to drink the glucose drink and get my blood drawn I laid on the couch and read my book in complete silence. It was heavenly. When I went in for the third time to get my blood drawn for the second time and I only had one more hour to go I actually felt really good! So good, in fact, that I hopped in the shower and luxuriated in getting ready without a child slowing me down. It wasn't until I had about 20 minutes left that I started to feel hungry. And it wasn't until I actually got my blood drawn for the last time that I felt like I was going to die if I didn't get food in me RIGHT NOW! All-in-all not only did I survive but the morning was a success!

As I was getting ready and feeling okay I felt very grateful and very blessed. I was listening to Pandora and the song "Beautiful Heartbreak" by Hilary Weeks came on. I love this song. I knew as I listened that it was only by the grace of God and His amazing tender mercies that I was able to have the morning I did and that doing the test was going so well. I also had the feeling that a part of the reason my week had--again--gone so badly was so that I would be able to see more clearly His hand in my day, and feel His love and KNOW that He was there and doing this for me. That He loves me.

When things are always going well it's easy to lose sight of Him in our day-to-day. I am thankful for the ways in which He reminds me that He is there, even when it means that I have to go through some hard times. I am just so grateful that He is there and that He cares.

I've noticed that more often than not, Heavenly Father has more than one reason for doing the things that He does.

That night the power went off in the middle of the night which made the smoke detector beep which woke up Elise who we then were both up with for about three hours. Come Saturday morning we were all exhausted, and there was no way that I would have made it to do the glucose test like I had planned. That afternoon one of Cody's crowns fell off and he has been in pain ever since. I am grateful that the Spirit whispered to me to go in on Friday and that I listened!

Today I finally heard back from the nurse about my results and I passed! She went on to tell me that I actually had tested low which probably means that I have Hypoglycemia. I have been wondering if I am Hypoglycemic because even when I am not pregnant I get really sick when I don't eat. I had even asked the Phlebotomist if there was a way they could test for it, but she wasn't sure. That information alone was worth the test.

I know that God is there. I know that He has a plan and I know that plan is what is best for us. I'm grateful that He knows each on of us individually and that He tailors our plans to us specifically.

Captain America and the Shield of Faith

Captain America is my favorite superhero. Not because he has amazing abs or super great fight skills. It's because even without all of that, he would still be the same good guy, just without superhuman abilities. All Captain America has ever wanted to do is the right thing. He is honest and courageous. He puts others before himself and he doesn't compromise with evil.

The other night we watched "Captain America: The Winter Soldier" again,  because I have a habit of forgetting what happens. As we were watching I told Cody that what I want for Christmas is a shield just like Captain America's. That thing is amazing. And then as I paid more attention to his shield I realized that it's remarkably like the Shield of Faith mentioned in Ephesians 6.

Captain America keeps his shield with him always. He uses it to protect himself and to fight evil. It is probably his most valued possession and chances are he would feel a little lost without it in a fight. Yes, he could hold his own without it, but he is so much more powerful and capable with it.

This really brought home to me the importance of having faith. Always. With faith in God, a person can do anything. When you carry your faith around always it protects you. It helps you fight evil, it gives you courage, it helps you to know what is right. In the Armour of God, faith is represented as the shield because you can use that shield to protect your whole being.

If you really pay attention, you can learn a thing or two from Captain America. Most importantly to have a super awesome shield of faith. If you feel like your shield of faith isn't what it should be, you can always strengthen it. If you need some suggestions and encouragement for that, check out this amazing talk by Henry B. Eyring called Spiritual Preparedness: Start Early and Be Steady.

Lessons learned from cupcakes

I made cupcakes yesterday before church. One of our co-workers is leaving us so I wanted to bring him cupcakes today. Which I did and they were delicious! Cody and I made then into cute, little baseballs because it's our sports writer that is leaving. (Note: The cupcake in the picture is not mine. I forgot to take a picture but this is the general idea of what we did!)

As I was looking on the back of the cake mix box to check what temperature to turn my oven to I noticed the little cupcake note that said something like "fill cupcake liners halfway." I really struggle with this! Seriously, halfway is never enough. Or at least it seems like it's never enough and then you get batter all over your oven!

So yesterday I made a deliberate effort to only fill my cupcake liners halfway. It was torture. I kept thinking, "That's not enough!" and "They won't be good enough!" Then I realized that I have this problem in other aspects of my life. Sometimes I think that I haven't done enough and that my efforts aren't good enough, that I need to do more. I know you've thought that, too.

So as I filled cupcake liners I told myself that it was alright, that if I followed the instructions and didn't get worked up about having to do more than I actually needed to that they would turn out just fine, and they did. Of course, they did.

It reminded me of the times that Heavenly Father tells us to ease up a bit. To not do more than we are doing, to wait a little bit, to ration ourselves. It also reminded me of blessings. That sometimes it seems like our blessing cups are only half full and we may get nervous or feel cheated. But when our halfway cups and our efforts seem like they aren't enough, through Christ (the oven) our efforts and our blessings grow to be exactly as they should be. Full, and plenty.

I don't know if this makes as much sense written out as it does in my head but I know that Heavenly Father knows what He is doing. That even when His instructions don't make sense to us or we want to do more when we are told to wait, that things will work out if we trust and follow Him. Always.

Frozen--Some people are worth melting for

A while back I read a blog written by a lady who said that the movie Frozen is pro-gay. She was very disgusted with it and gave a lot of examples from the movie. Soon after reading that I watched the movie--not because of the blog--but while I watched it I looked for these examples she gave. I didn't see them. This morning I watched Frozen with my little girl. Today my heart is tender and so not only did the movie make me cry several times but I was able to see a deeper message in the movie.

Frozen is about love.

The first thought that came to me is if Elsa and her powers were a hidden message of being gay, then what we should take from that isn't disgust but that Elsa's parents went about things the wrong way. If we tell our children that who they are is bad and they need to hide it and suppress it, that will only cause problems. They will learn to live in fear and mistrust and not feel that they are loved for who they are. They should be loved and accepted for who they are and not taught to hide. Parents should help children learn how to properly handle their feelings and how to deal with them. Now I'm not trying to start controversy or say that we should all start supporting gay marriage. What I'm saying is that we should love people! And teach our children to love themselves not to hide who they are. We can love and accept people without having to love and accept everything that they do. And that goes beyond being gay.

I'd never really listened to the words to the song "Fixer Upper," when the rock trolls are singing about how Kristoff isn't perfect but love can fix that. But I did today and there are a couple of really good lines in this song.The first one I liked was this...

"So he's a bit of a fixer-upper,
but this we're certain of
You can fix this fixer-upper
Up with a little bit of love!"

I think that being shown love can go a long way to helping someone. Love can heal and bring out the best in someone. My absolutely favorite line is at the end....

"We're not sayin' you can change him,
'Cause people don't really change.  (I'm so glad they threw that in there!)

We're only saying that love's a force
That's powerful and strange.
People make bad choices if they're mad,
Or scared, or stressed.
Throw a little love their way.

Throw a little love their way.

And you'll bring out their best.

True love brings out the best!
Everyone's a bit of a fixer-upper,
That's what it's all about!"

People do make bad choices when they're not feeling up to par. Loving them when we know they aren't being themselves helps a lot. Nobody is perfect, but if you love them it helps fill in their cracks.

When Anna needed an act of true love and she thought that being kissed by Hans who was supposed to be her true love would save her, I wondered why the other acts of true love she was shown didn't heal her. Kristoff showed love to her when he acted immediately to take her to another man to heal her. Olaf showed love when he went looking for her and braved the fire to help her. Not that he really knew the dangers that the fire posed to him, but when he said "some people are worth melting for" didn't that just melt your heart and make you want to put it on a sign and hang it somewhere?? 

Anna's heart had been frozen and she needed an act of true love to thaw/change it. What she didn't realize was that she needed to perform the act of true love to change and thaw her own heart. Others' love helps a lot and can help get us to where we need to be so we can change, but only we can change our own hearts. Loving others and serving them is the way to keep our hearts warm and open not just to others but to God, as well. 

It's a dual process, we both need to love and to be loved. 

A more important hidden message that I got from Frozen is that if our children don't feel loved or know that they are loved they will be desperate for it and may find it in unsavory places and unsavory ways.This actually applies to people of all ages. Anna didn't know love and was lonely and she thought she found true love with Hans and was terribly wrong. She also didn't recognize the love shown to her by Kristoff. That's something to think about. 

I don't care if the creators of Frozen did or didn't mean it to be pro-gay, overall the movie is about love and teaches some great lessons that all children and people should learn. And it has so many applications. The song "Let it Go" is extremely popular and I know I'm not the only one who gets sick of it, but it's a good reminder to let things go.

So let it go and love someone!! Because everyone is worth melting for to God.

Because of the easiness of the way...

The other day I was complaining to a dear friend that it would be nice if something was easy for once! I had gotten my hopes up, thought it would be and then, of course, was sorely disappointed. I had thought this same thought to myself a few times but when I voiced--or rather texted--that thought about easiness to someone else, a phrase started running through my head: "Because of the easiness of the way..." After I heard it a few times, and admitted that I was being taught something, I started to search through the scripture stories in my head to place the phrase. I wasn't sure which part of the scriptures it was in but I knew that the way being easy wasn't a good thing.

After searching the actual scriptures I found the phrase in Alma 37:46. "...do not let us be slothful because of the easiness of the way..." The verse was referring to when the people of Israel were attacked by poisonous serpents in the wilderness and some of them wouldn't look at the snake on the staff and be healed because it was too easy.

The Pride Cycle is seen many times in the Book of Mormon. God's people follow the commandments, the prosper, then the start to get prideful and then they fall away.

So while easy is...well, easy, it's not always the best thing. I know that when things are going well I have to work harder and be intentional about reading my scriptures and making my prayers meaningful and inviting the Spirit into my day.

Along with those easy times I have known difficult times. I have had to wait and work for a lot of things in my life. I have known heartache and frustration.

Before I had Elise I had a miscarriage. It was hard to get pregnant that first time and even more difficult to get pregnant with Elise. And then I was on bed rest with Elise hoping that I wouldn't miscarry again. That was the hardest thing I have ever been through. The way to having Elise was the longest, most painful and most difficult way I have every traveled.

But I would never take it back.

Because of the difficulty of the way...

I came to know God.
I learned patience, faith, hope and trust in my Heavenly Father.
I learned that He does have a plan for me and it is better than I could ever dream to imagine.
I learned that His timing is worth waiting for, no matter how much I hate the waiting.
I became stronger, emotionally and spiritually.
I learned a lot about God, myself and about getting pregnant.
I learned empathy.
I learned that everyone's story and experience is different.
I learned that I can get through anything with the Lord.
I learned that He wants me to be happy, and for that purpose he gives me tender mercies every day.
I learned that there is a purpose for what happens, no matter how bad it is.
I learned the blessings of tithing.
I learned to prepare.
I learned to make the most of the time spent waiting.
I learned to cherish 1 Nephi.
I learned that things will work out if I do all I can and have faith.
I learned that God fulfills His promises.

If the way had been easy I wouldn't have learned any of that. So I can say with sincerity that I would not give that trial away. It is mine, along with all of the blessings I received along the way. I still enjoy those blessings to this day.

That doesn't mean that I want things to be hard, I really wish they would be easy! But at least when hard times comes I know what to do and I know that I can do it. All I have to do is stop complaining, turn to God and put on my eternal perspective.

Whatever hard path you are going down, no matter how endless it looks, I know that with God you can make it through and you will be stronger and wiser for it. Trust in Him. Put your faith in Him and He will not let you down. In the end you will receive blessings far greater than you could ever have thought to ask for. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get there.

If you want opposition...do something right!

So tonight is Monday, which means Family Home Evening! We're not perfect at FHE but we do try. After a great talk in Sacrament meeting yesterday I felt that a change was needed. So we discussed it last night and decided to start tonight. I thought we were doing a great job with our new FHE until Elise got super whiney and I got super frustrated with her and then I got frustrated with Cody and just had a general feeling of frustration and irritation. And then I realized that what I was experiencing wasn't just me having a bad day or being a bad person, it was opposition. Opposition to the FHE that we were trying to have. Opposition to the right that we were choosing. Which tells me that we were doing something right! Why else would Satan want to ruin our simple night? So what are we going to do next Monday? Have FHE! Even though tonight wasn't a stellar success we are going to keep trying. Sometimes it's nice to have a little bit of opposition to let you know that you're on the right track ;)

'The Saratov Approach'--the article I really wanted to write ***SPOILER***

I like to watch movies but the older I get the more and more I find myself being selective. I'm busy, I don't want to waste my time and I definitely don't want to watch something that I'm not comfortable with. So when I heard about "The Saratov Approach" I put it on my 'to watch' list. I missed the opportunity to see it in the theater so when my contact at Cedar Fort emailed me and asked if I wanted to review it I was ecstatic! I anxiously waited for it to arrive in my mailbox and then very gratefully watched it when it came. 

At first I wasn't sure about the quality of the movie, probably because I was watching with my more critical reviewer eye, but as the movie went on I found myself leaving my reviewer self behind as my spirit was touched. 

Oh, how I love this movie. And after talking to Garrett, the director, I love this movie even more. And let me tell you why. 

***SPOILER*** 

There is this scene in the movie. It's the pivotal scene. It is THE scene. This scene makes the whole movie worth it. It speaks to me of things I've learned from life these past few years. If you've seen the movie I hope you know what I'm talking about.

Are you ready for it?

The missionaries see an opportunity to escape. It's risky but it could work. They've been handcuffed for days and Elder Propst figures out how to get them out of the handcuffs. Now they just have to attack the guy that's watching them and run away. They get all set up and ready to execute the plan when Elder Propst has a revelation. 'He has a plan for them. He will get them out of it. This is not the way.' So what do they do??? They put everything back the way it was, AND THEY HANDCUFF THEMSELVES BACK TOGETHER!! Batty told me that mothers have told him that their hearts broke into millions of pieces at that moment, that they wanted the missionaries to just run for it.

What faith. I feel like I have had to have some tremendous faith in my life, but to be free and then have the faith to put the handcuffs back on! There is so much to be learned from this one scene. Most often when I have had to have faith in my life it has been in situations that I can't control. I was there until the Lord, in His wisdom and timing, freed me. I had no other way to free myself. I hope that I would have that kind of faith if I were put in that kind of situation.

I had to ask Garrett if that scene was true to how it really happened to the missionaries and he said yes, that he worked very closely with the real missionaries and that they did all they could to make the movie accurate. No embellishing here. Most of the changes were made in condensing five days into 90 minutes.

 ***END SPOILER***

Garrett also told me about some of the responses that he has been receiving. Members of other faiths, and even people without any faith, have responded positively to the movie. An atheist told him that it really made him rethink things. "The Saratov Approach" has been successful and has transcended the LDS movie genre to become a movie for all faiths.

This movie has great potential to bring God into the lives of those who really need Him. And that is why I love it even more after having talked to the director about it. To me it seems impossible to watch it and not feel anything. Even just talking about the movie with Garrett, the Spirit was so strong. The movie's success at the box office gives it an even greater chance to reach a wide variety of people.

If you haven't seen the movie, see it. And share it with others! What a great tool to plant seeds and bless the lives of others.

For more information about the movie you can check out the website at www.http://saratovapproach.com/ or find them on Facebook.

God is the Gardener....and so am I!

Today I planted my peas. I am so excited. I may have gone slightly overboard, I planted four packs of seeds. While lovingly planting the seeds I took great care to plant each seed just right and not loose a single one. Each and every one was precious. I was thinking about how much I loved each seed and how excited I was for them to grow, and that got me thinking about my recent scripture study in Jacob, about the vineyard. And about how much the Lord loved His olive trees. More than I love my pea plants. We are those olive trees. Our Heavenly Father loves all of us so much. He took great care to plant each of us individually with great love, intent on not losing a single one of us. What hope and great expectations He must have had as he put us exactly where He wanted us to be, exactly where we should be, and thought of each of us growing and what we would become. And how we would become like Him. All the good things we would do. When someone plants a garden they don't plant things they don't like or won't be useful to them, so you can know that Heavenly Father did not plant anyone in His garden that he does not love, or who does not have the potential to be a tool in His hand. So when you start planting your garden, remember who planted you where you are, and how much He loves you and delights in watching you grow. 

Stockpiling Service

I have many wonderful women in my life who are great examples to me. I am grateful for all of them. A few weeks ago I visited one of them and learned a valuable lesson. One day we dropped in on a friend of ours, Sara Mckee. Sara and her twin sister, Cindi, were good friends with Cody in high school, and still are good friends. The day we dropped in on Sara and her family she was having a busy Saturday. They were feeding dinner to the missionaries that night and she was also taking dinner to a family in her ward. She explained that, even though her family doesn't eat the lasagnas, she buys them and keeps them in her freezer and looks for families who need a dinner brought in. She doesn't wait for someone on the compassionate service committee to call her and ask her to take dinner to a family, she looks on her own for a family who might benefit from her kindness and acts on it. What?? I told you she's awesome.

So that got me thinking...about stockpiling lasagnas. And as I thought about it I realized that that particular method isn't really practical for my family, and that's okay. So I've been thinking about other things, from cookies to notes. I have a couple of good ideas that I'm going to try out.

But as I type this up I realize that I didn't put near as much thought into actively looking for people who need a little love and service, the way that Sara does. So I'm going to put a lot more thought, and prayer, into that. Perhaps the important part isn't keeping lasagnas on hand, but looking for the opportunities to serve, and acting on them. 

Thank you, Sara, for your good example and for the lesson I learned from you!

Busyness and Blessings

Somehow I went from being bored to death to busy to death. I think it happened sometime in January but I just can't be sure. It is nice, though. Some aspects of the busyness I am really enjoying, like Zumba and beta reading, but having to juggle things and being so busy is not as much fun. With as busy as I have been lately there are still a couple of other endeavors that I so wish that I could pursue. I've felt disappointed, frustrated and hemmed in because at this time in my life I can't do everything that I want to. I've almost come to terms with it all. Most of the time I'm good but then I get to thinking "what if...."

Today in Sacrament the high counsel speaker, Brother Winterton, said something that I needed to hear:

"Just because you can do it doesn't mean you have to/should."

His point being, don't make yourself so busy that you don't have time for your family. "Huh. That's true," is what I thought as I sat their in the chapel. Now I still have time for my family but I'm tired and stressed out and I do try to figure out ways to entertain Elise so I can work on other things while she is awake. And I've been grumpy occasionally! So yeah, I probably would benefit from evaluating my activities and deciding what I can set aside. Right now is my season to raise Elise, and to Zumba! And those other things will either still be there when I can do them or they just won't matter anymore. Elise will always matter though one day she won't need me as much.

Even though I feel so busy and, at times, overwhelmed, I have been blessed with this busyness. Zumba has been a huge blessing for my physical and emotional health. Working Mondays for a few hours has been a blessing financially. Being in Young Womens is time consuming but the blessings are many. And I have enjoyed beta reading immensely, though that will be ending in March and is definitely something that I can set aside for later even though I COULD and WANT TO keep pursuing it right now.

One of the great blessings of this busyness is knowing how aware of me my Heavenly Father is and how good He is at perfect timing! He knows what I want and need in my life and when I need it most and when it will be the most beneficial to me and when the time is just right. It gives me the courage to set aside things I want to do right now for later, knowing that He knows that those things are important to me and that if they are good for me that they will happen later, in His right time. This will not be my only opportunity to do those things that I want to do right now.