A heart like playdough

Quite some time ago I bought some playdough for Elise but then decided to hide it until she was older. Recently we pulled it out to play with it and learned the unfortunate truth that playdough at rest for an extended amount of time becomes hardened. I looked online to see if it could be revived and found that kneading water into it would help. In some of them it did, but for others it was too late, they were too hard and dry.

I was reminded of this experience the other day as I was pondering upon the Lord's hand in my life.

He's always there but occasionally I can feel Him guiding me, bringing certain things into my life all at once to get me to a place I need to be. Even though they can be difficult, I am grateful for these times. Saturday I realized that He is doing it again. This time I can look back and see how He has prepared me for this moment and I know what He is trying to accomplish with me.

In this current instance He is bringing me information that I need and using it to teach me, to heal me, to help me to become better, to help me to become the woman that I want to be.

Even though I can see it and I know what is going on, it is hard. I have to choose to let Him lead me. To show me what I need to change and then follow through with His help.

And I had the thought that it is like being molded, actually that is exactly what He is doing. And so I had the image of my heart as playdough in His hands. I can imagine that it would hurt to have someone literally knead your physical heart. And it hurts to have your emotional heart kneaded and shaped into something new.

The process is easier if we don't just let our hearts sit. If we continually give our hearts to Him to be shaped then the daily moldings and the big molding moments are easier.

So what if we have let our hearts sit? Or what if perhaps we are doing those daily things to invite the Spirit in but we've been hurt or we're afraid and we block certain spiritual things out? It will be more painful, but as we are brave and tough it out, the more we let Him work on our hearts the easier it will become. The more we will become who He wants us to be and the more we will trust Him with our hearts.

And it doesn't hurt to add a little water. Or a lot. I like to think of the water as the Spirit. I don't know how my heart could ever be changed without it.

I'd like to think that I don't have a hard heart, that I do fairly well at letting Him mold it, but I have a few little scared spots that have gotten a little tough. My ever-loving Savior sees those spots and knows exactly what to do. He has prepared me and has waited for the right time, and now I can feel Him moving into those spots and working out the hardness.

I know this journey will be hard but I am also excited. I am excited that He is helping me to become a little more like Him, a little more like the woman I want to be and better able to do His work. I am grateful for those that He places in my life, whether momentarily or in the long run, that unknowingly help me on my way. And I'm grateful to have a heart like playdough that He can mold.

Healing and Heroes: If you knew you would be healed

I’ve been watching “Heroes” with the Hubley. I never watched it when it was originally airing but now I’m watching it—thank you Netflix—so that I can watch “Heroes Reborn” in the fall.

*Possible “Heroes” spoilers*

In the episode that we were watching last night, one of the characters—whose power is that he is nuclear—was having a nuclear episode and burning up the house he was in so everyone had to leave or be burned to death. The nuclear guy could be stopped with a tranquilizer but the person giving it to him was not going to survive.

Enter Claire, whose power is that her body heals itself. She gave him the tranquilizer which stopped his episode and saved everyone else.

When Claire walks out of the house she is severely burned but is regenerating as she walks until she is whole. As I watched that I had the thought:

“What would you do if you knew that you would heal?”

And then I thought about the Atonement.

What would you do if you knew you would be healed?

Every word that came from the mouth of God?

If I could stand at the brink of a trial and know that I would survive, that I will be healed, how much more willing would I be to unquestioningly follow the path the Lord has set before me?

But Claire didn’t start out running into such fatal situations. She had to learn that she would survive them until experience taught her without a doubt that no matter what, she would be healed.

We learn the same way, line upon line, experience by experience. Because of trials I have been through in the past, small at first and then gradually bigger and harder trials, I know that I can walk through very difficult trials and survive. And not only that, but my Savior will walk through it with me. He will heal me as I go, sometimes just enough so that I can keep going, but if I keep trusting in Him and keep moving forward, eventually I will make it out, and be stronger for it.

Sometime the purpose of the trial—or burning house—is to teach us that He is there, and the Atonement is real and will heal us. It is to teach us that we can trust Him and He will heal us.

And as we walk through the fire with Him not only will He heal us but we will come to know Him. 

And that is the most precious gift.

We can be healed of every wound, whether it is self-inflicted our caused by others. We will come out on the other end of this life whole.

How else could we have been brave enough to come to this earth, to live these hard lives, if we didn’t have a Savior?

Charity in the grocery store

It's been a rough week. I've felt it and Elise has felt it and we have not gotten along much these past few days. I've been exhausted and overwhelmed and Elise has been particularly difficult.

This morning didn't go too bad so I chanced a trip to the grocery store, thinking that it would do us good to get out and there was a carton of raspberries on sale with my name on it.

Every time I go to the grocery store I'm sure everyone knows we are there when they hear me yell "ELISE!!!" a million times, and today was definitely not an exception.

When we go shopping I have Elise bring in her little pink shopping cart because most of the time it helps but today she wanted to run from me and run she did, so I had to keep yelling at her to "STOP!"

I told her that if she kept doing that she would lose her cart and would be riding in  mine. Eventually, after she purposefully turned a corner to lose me, I was done. I ran her down, threw her cart on the bottom of mine and with no other option, because Rylan was taking up the majority of my shopping cart, just held her.

 I was so mad.

And then I heard a voice behind me say, "Ma'am, do you need help?" It was one of the checkers. She'd watched me run down Elise and followed me down the aisle.

I was humbled. Humbled that someone had noticed me, seen a need and acted on it.

I don't know what I would have had her do to help me but I was finished shopping so she checked me out. As Elise grabbed her cart and started heading out the door when I was trying to pay and get all my bags, I expressed my frustration to this thoughtful checker. We talked a little about parenting and as I left she said, "Keep your head up, you're doing good."

As I walked to my car in the parking lot I realized that having that lady talk to me and walk through the store with me, even just briefly, calmed me down and helped me to feel better. I thought of how nice it would be to have someone always with me, how having someone else around can be a support and also give you perspective and uplift you. And as I longed for something like that a voice said to me "I'm with you."

How often do I forget, or rather how seldom do I remember, that He is there. I pray for help when the going gets tough and especially when I wake up and already know it's going to be a rough day, but rarely do I think of Him with me and use that thought not only to strengthen myself but to help me to be a better mother. Would I be yelling at Elise in the store if He were physically with me? If I did I would certainly be embarrassed.

I am grateful for a checker that was brave and took the time to track me down in the store and make sure I was okay.

I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father who is always there, whether I open my eyes to see Him or not.

Life is hard. Being a mother is often more than I can handle. There is no way that I could walk this life without Him and those He sends to be His hands.

Heartbreak and Hypoglycemia

I had such high hopes for March. On March 1st I officially only had 90 days left of my pregnancy! For this month, instead of counting down the days I decided to count down the Mondays that I had to work, only five! And then after that only four Mondays in April and then I would practically be there! Well, maybe not, but I'm only working Mondays for certain through the end of April, so if I can just get through those Mondays I'll be doing good!

Turns out high hopes don't always make for good times. Looking back this month has gone by fast, I can't believe March is almost over! But despite that, it has been a long, hard month, with one thing after another continually building upon what I've already been dealing with for months. More than once I've reached my end. 

In the middle of all these troubles there is one good moment that I would like to share...

Last week I had to take the dreaded, mandatory glucose test to see if I have Gestational Diabetes. I passed it no problem when I was pregnant with Elise, so all I was worried about was surviving waiting until 8:30 in the morning to eat. I survived the test but when I went in for my appointment my doctor told me that I had failed it by two points and would have to take the three hour glucose test.

Little did I know that meant no eating past midnight then going in every hour for three hours to get my blood drawn and not being able to eat until I was done! And I couldn't even drink water!

I get sooo sick when I don't eat, plus I hate needles, so I made sure that Dr. Syndergaard knew that I wasn't happy. I asked him if we could just ignore the two points but he ignored me.

So I sucked it up and planned to do it Saturday morning when Cody would be home to watch Elise while I languished in bed and had what I planned on being a totally miserable day.

Thursday night came around and it felt more right to just go in Friday morning and get it over with. I talked it over with Cody and he agreed with that decision and said he would watch Elise for me and even take her in to work for an hour for me. (I desperately needed some me time so he was making an extra effort to let me have some.)

I prepared the best I could Thursday night and then Cody got a call saying he needed to come in earlier than he had planned on Friday morning so he took Elise to grandma's house.

The terrible morning I had planned on actually turned out to be quite nice! In between going into the hospital to drink the glucose drink and get my blood drawn I laid on the couch and read my book in complete silence. It was heavenly. When I went in for the third time to get my blood drawn for the second time and I only had one more hour to go I actually felt really good! So good, in fact, that I hopped in the shower and luxuriated in getting ready without a child slowing me down. It wasn't until I had about 20 minutes left that I started to feel hungry. And it wasn't until I actually got my blood drawn for the last time that I felt like I was going to die if I didn't get food in me RIGHT NOW! All-in-all not only did I survive but the morning was a success!

As I was getting ready and feeling okay I felt very grateful and very blessed. I was listening to Pandora and the song "Beautiful Heartbreak" by Hilary Weeks came on. I love this song. I knew as I listened that it was only by the grace of God and His amazing tender mercies that I was able to have the morning I did and that doing the test was going so well. I also had the feeling that a part of the reason my week had--again--gone so badly was so that I would be able to see more clearly His hand in my day, and feel His love and KNOW that He was there and doing this for me. That He loves me.

When things are always going well it's easy to lose sight of Him in our day-to-day. I am thankful for the ways in which He reminds me that He is there, even when it means that I have to go through some hard times. I am just so grateful that He is there and that He cares.

I've noticed that more often than not, Heavenly Father has more than one reason for doing the things that He does.

That night the power went off in the middle of the night which made the smoke detector beep which woke up Elise who we then were both up with for about three hours. Come Saturday morning we were all exhausted, and there was no way that I would have made it to do the glucose test like I had planned. That afternoon one of Cody's crowns fell off and he has been in pain ever since. I am grateful that the Spirit whispered to me to go in on Friday and that I listened!

Today I finally heard back from the nurse about my results and I passed! She went on to tell me that I actually had tested low which probably means that I have Hypoglycemia. I have been wondering if I am Hypoglycemic because even when I am not pregnant I get really sick when I don't eat. I had even asked the Phlebotomist if there was a way they could test for it, but she wasn't sure. That information alone was worth the test.

I know that God is there. I know that He has a plan and I know that plan is what is best for us. I'm grateful that He knows each on of us individually and that He tailors our plans to us specifically.

Captain America and the Shield of Faith

Captain America is my favorite superhero. Not because he has amazing abs or super great fight skills. It's because even without all of that, he would still be the same good guy, just without superhuman abilities. All Captain America has ever wanted to do is the right thing. He is honest and courageous. He puts others before himself and he doesn't compromise with evil.

The other night we watched "Captain America: The Winter Soldier" again,  because I have a habit of forgetting what happens. As we were watching I told Cody that what I want for Christmas is a shield just like Captain America's. That thing is amazing. And then as I paid more attention to his shield I realized that it's remarkably like the Shield of Faith mentioned in Ephesians 6.

Captain America keeps his shield with him always. He uses it to protect himself and to fight evil. It is probably his most valued possession and chances are he would feel a little lost without it in a fight. Yes, he could hold his own without it, but he is so much more powerful and capable with it.

This really brought home to me the importance of having faith. Always. With faith in God, a person can do anything. When you carry your faith around always it protects you. It helps you fight evil, it gives you courage, it helps you to know what is right. In the Armour of God, faith is represented as the shield because you can use that shield to protect your whole being.

If you really pay attention, you can learn a thing or two from Captain America. Most importantly to have a super awesome shield of faith. If you feel like your shield of faith isn't what it should be, you can always strengthen it. If you need some suggestions and encouragement for that, check out this amazing talk by Henry B. Eyring called Spiritual Preparedness: Start Early and Be Steady.

Lessons learned from cupcakes

I made cupcakes yesterday before church. One of our co-workers is leaving us so I wanted to bring him cupcakes today. Which I did and they were delicious! Cody and I made then into cute, little baseballs because it's our sports writer that is leaving. (Note: The cupcake in the picture is not mine. I forgot to take a picture but this is the general idea of what we did!)

As I was looking on the back of the cake mix box to check what temperature to turn my oven to I noticed the little cupcake note that said something like "fill cupcake liners halfway." I really struggle with this! Seriously, halfway is never enough. Or at least it seems like it's never enough and then you get batter all over your oven!

So yesterday I made a deliberate effort to only fill my cupcake liners halfway. It was torture. I kept thinking, "That's not enough!" and "They won't be good enough!" Then I realized that I have this problem in other aspects of my life. Sometimes I think that I haven't done enough and that my efforts aren't good enough, that I need to do more. I know you've thought that, too.

So as I filled cupcake liners I told myself that it was alright, that if I followed the instructions and didn't get worked up about having to do more than I actually needed to that they would turn out just fine, and they did. Of course, they did.

It reminded me of the times that Heavenly Father tells us to ease up a bit. To not do more than we are doing, to wait a little bit, to ration ourselves. It also reminded me of blessings. That sometimes it seems like our blessing cups are only half full and we may get nervous or feel cheated. But when our halfway cups and our efforts seem like they aren't enough, through Christ (the oven) our efforts and our blessings grow to be exactly as they should be. Full, and plenty.

I don't know if this makes as much sense written out as it does in my head but I know that Heavenly Father knows what He is doing. That even when His instructions don't make sense to us or we want to do more when we are told to wait, that things will work out if we trust and follow Him. Always.

Frozen--Some people are worth melting for

A while back I read a blog written by a lady who said that the movie Frozen is pro-gay. She was very disgusted with it and gave a lot of examples from the movie. Soon after reading that I watched the movie--not because of the blog--but while I watched it I looked for these examples she gave. I didn't see them. This morning I watched Frozen with my little girl. Today my heart is tender and so not only did the movie make me cry several times but I was able to see a deeper message in the movie.

Frozen is about love.

The first thought that came to me is if Elsa and her powers were a hidden message of being gay, then what we should take from that isn't disgust but that Elsa's parents went about things the wrong way. If we tell our children that who they are is bad and they need to hide it and suppress it, that will only cause problems. They will learn to live in fear and mistrust and not feel that they are loved for who they are. They should be loved and accepted for who they are and not taught to hide. Parents should help children learn how to properly handle their feelings and how to deal with them. Now I'm not trying to start controversy or say that we should all start supporting gay marriage. What I'm saying is that we should love people! And teach our children to love themselves not to hide who they are. We can love and accept people without having to love and accept everything that they do. And that goes beyond being gay.

I'd never really listened to the words to the song "Fixer Upper," when the rock trolls are singing about how Kristoff isn't perfect but love can fix that. But I did today and there are a couple of really good lines in this song.The first one I liked was this...

"So he's a bit of a fixer-upper,
but this we're certain of
You can fix this fixer-upper
Up with a little bit of love!"

I think that being shown love can go a long way to helping someone. Love can heal and bring out the best in someone. My absolutely favorite line is at the end....

"We're not sayin' you can change him,
'Cause people don't really change.  (I'm so glad they threw that in there!)

We're only saying that love's a force
That's powerful and strange.
People make bad choices if they're mad,
Or scared, or stressed.
Throw a little love their way.

Throw a little love their way.

And you'll bring out their best.

True love brings out the best!
Everyone's a bit of a fixer-upper,
That's what it's all about!"

People do make bad choices when they're not feeling up to par. Loving them when we know they aren't being themselves helps a lot. Nobody is perfect, but if you love them it helps fill in their cracks.

When Anna needed an act of true love and she thought that being kissed by Hans who was supposed to be her true love would save her, I wondered why the other acts of true love she was shown didn't heal her. Kristoff showed love to her when he acted immediately to take her to another man to heal her. Olaf showed love when he went looking for her and braved the fire to help her. Not that he really knew the dangers that the fire posed to him, but when he said "some people are worth melting for" didn't that just melt your heart and make you want to put it on a sign and hang it somewhere?? 

Anna's heart had been frozen and she needed an act of true love to thaw/change it. What she didn't realize was that she needed to perform the act of true love to change and thaw her own heart. Others' love helps a lot and can help get us to where we need to be so we can change, but only we can change our own hearts. Loving others and serving them is the way to keep our hearts warm and open not just to others but to God, as well. 

It's a dual process, we both need to love and to be loved. 

A more important hidden message that I got from Frozen is that if our children don't feel loved or know that they are loved they will be desperate for it and may find it in unsavory places and unsavory ways.This actually applies to people of all ages. Anna didn't know love and was lonely and she thought she found true love with Hans and was terribly wrong. She also didn't recognize the love shown to her by Kristoff. That's something to think about. 

I don't care if the creators of Frozen did or didn't mean it to be pro-gay, overall the movie is about love and teaches some great lessons that all children and people should learn. And it has so many applications. The song "Let it Go" is extremely popular and I know I'm not the only one who gets sick of it, but it's a good reminder to let things go.

So let it go and love someone!! Because everyone is worth melting for to God.